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What Is My Body? September 22 2009

We each live in a body, but what surely do we live in?

Why is this question important?
Right now I suffer from terminal cancer, or at least one of my better doctors thinks I can get worse at any time and have to go into one of the hospitals.
Scary? Yes. For one thing Stefania and I went into City Hall today to finalize our paperwork and pay our 200 euro for being able to marry soon in the future. Their date was a month away, …

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The Incredible Sadness Contrasted With Consciousness
How do you write about sadness?
It’s such an incredible feeling. I must try and be strong in it, but the sensation is so bodily now it seems to permeate my whole being.
Of course it is so personal also.
Saying goodbye to Stefania. And how do you do that? You cry. We had a moment last night in which I said we both knew this was going to be part of our relationship, its ending because of our big age difference. She stopped eating and said, ‘I …

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Strephon’s Disappearing Dream And Its Archetypes

Issues: … life after death … dream disappearance … personal existence … between two worlds … dying soon or living on … predicting death … stopping archetypal death … existence after physical death … great dream …
I just had this startling dream. Went to bed just before midnight very sleepy and not eight minutes after midnight I am here reporting my dream.
In the dream I am at a square table with Terran and a couple of others in a kind of seance that develops. There …

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Cancer Report Strephon August 20, 2009
Issues: … control of symptoms … medications … fears …. positive spirit … sleep hours … diet interventions … check with doctor … daily living context …
This report reports current condition of my mental and body and daily living context.
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At 12 midnight went to bed taking sleeping pill. Stefania insisted because the previous night I stayed up later than her, took sleeping pill but stayed at the computer and half an hour later was sleep at computer, deep, groggy, and she had to work hard …

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Dream – The Manipulator-Seducer Syndrome
Issues: manipulating others … seducing others … lacking integrity … dealing with manipulators … prey and predator … living with integrity … honesty grounds you … sleep pattern … cancer challenge … cancer care-takers …
I have enlisted my partner in helping with my sleep pattern. This is not the dream yet, but because of medication and maybe the cancer, I suddenly fall asleep at times like at the computer or on the toilet. I also get up quickly. The other night to bed at 12 …

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Stop Identifying With Dying!
I myself am guilty of this. When the doctor told me the news that my chest x-ray showed a cancer tumor I took it objectively but of course did not know what this meant yet in terms of experiencing it.
But here’s the challenge, the big challenge!
An incident from a London Times blog article.
The reporter interviewed a number of cancer people dying, and gave statistics on how many in a survey were afraid of dying, afraid of death, or not afraid of either.
One woman’s picture was taken with …

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New Medications Strephon Monday, Aug 10, 2009
Went to substitute doctor with home doctor on vacation for a month. Liked this Dr Smidt better, more precise, saw I had not pain pills or sleeping pills right away as we talked. And he said to call him tomorrow afternoon between 4-5 to report how medications are working.
I was almost crying in the office, being understood better by Dr Smidt who explained things. The muscle relaxant relieves muscle tension which relieves pain and makes it possible to sleep. Plus present medications may make …

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I’m So Happy
I am just reporting my present state, but this is how it feels!
My medications were taken over 8 hours ago so maybe this is not euphoria from that.
Truth told I have been working hard again on my attitudes towards myself and the cancer diagnosis, and now that I don’t have to be dominated by the chest discomfort and lack of sleep I can face myself much better psychologically and physically.
Stefania is over at the new place stripping the walls with the help of her supervisor from work and …