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Health Report September 29 2009
This list for my new Steiner health doctor. At the bottom is what happened.
My health goals are:
—————to stay alive and functioning at least until Stefania and I get married so she has her Netherlands rights if I die soon. —————
Dr Adams (Malden) thought I was deteriorating fast a little over a week ago.
In a crisis how would I be handled? Dr Adams has arranged something with Dr de Lange at Dekkerswald lung clinic. I had one meeting with Dr de Lange where I think he said …

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On Death And Dying Sept 28 2009

Must we fear our own dying?

I have always thought that cancer people are given a conscious and evocative death. Their loved ones and friends are also given time to relate to the cancer person. It certainly is happening with me.
I find at this stage wherein I certainly may be in my dying process that my main concern is to finish up important things in my life. One is getting married so that Stefania can have all the rights she is entitled to, such as …

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Health Report Description Positive Sept 25 1009
To bed last night very sleepy at 10:30 and up now at 2:30 for 4 hours deep sleep. I sit up in bed wondering who I am, how my body feels, what’s my motivation for moving right now. I am to get up ad dress in my bathrobe and get some food: half a banana with almond butter, half a cottage cheese with linseed oil and its omega threes in balance with its omega sixes, the ‘cancer cure, let that digest and then take …

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Dialog With My Cancer September 22 2009
-So cancer, why are you inhabiting my body now?
-Because you deserve it.
-Why do I deserve it? I feel in a way I do, also. Has my life been too good or one-sided?
-One-sided.
-Is this what my ego or rational mind says?
-Maybe so. You ask words you get words back.
-The point is?
-The point is that cancer doesn’t speak. It acts. You have to act back. Don’t give up, Strephon, not now!
-You are saying that as cancer speaking?
-I am a third voice. Don’t give up Strephon, not …

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When Life Becomes Too Painful To Want To Go On Living
This is how I am beginning to feel this morning. I want to get through my day purposefully, but if I am being distracted by the tightness in my chest and being all alone because Stefania is at work, then I have a serious challenge in my day.
I have my writing to do. Let’s face it, folks, maybe this is too hard to read for most people? It is a story of pain and dealing with pain. It is not …

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On Suffering September 21 2009
One of your big transitions when you get cancer is that you get a lot more suffering to deal with. Yes, the doctors help, but little aches and pains throughout your body happen, plus the big crisis bouts of pain from the tumors growing and what their intrusions are doing to the rest of your body.
Our normal bodily life is often free of pain, or if there is pain, it is localized, like going to the dentist for fixing a tooth ache.
Now with cancer my whole …

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What Is Cancer? September 20 2009
To bed at 11:20 and up at 5:30.
What is cancer?
I can only be intuitive here since I have symptoms of cancer that I and the doctors are dealing with. Here are the possibilities as of now that I have been experiencing.
Cancer is a great big tumor showing up in x-rays, growing to the extent of taking lung tissue away from its natural breathing and oxygenating function in my 75 year old body.
Cancer is something needing to be controlled in my body or its constrcting ability …

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The Incredible Sadness Contrasted With Consciousness
How do you write about sadness?
It’s such an incredible feeling. I must try and be strong in it, but the sensation is so bodily now it seems to permeate my whole being.
Of course it is so personal also.
Saying goodbye to Stefania. And how do you do that? You cry. We had a moment last night in which I said we both knew this was going to be part of our relationship, its ending because of our big age difference. She stopped eating and said, ‘I …