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The Cancer Walk Purpose Walks Me Now Oct 3 2007

I’m up at 6:51 It was a long climb.

Everyone take up mountain climbing in preparation for when, and if, they might get into a similar state. In Norway I was older climbing her highest mountain. But for the last part of the climb my student husband had me hold his walking stick with him. We never reached the top because of the fog, but a glory time also.

Tonight I ask S to help me out of bed, which has its own problems. She doesn’t want me falling asleep at the computer.

So we pull me up together. That takes a lot on my part. I still have extra weight because the adrenals are not getting rid of enough water, despite medication now.

Purpose sets the little goal. I judge I have had enough sleep for the night.

I cannot conceive that I can go out for a simple walk, at lest not alone.

Getting to the wedding ceremony was assisted all the way and I was able to do it. Now I cannot type in all the letters right and have to correct almost every word.

But my back is firmly supported in this new computer chair we got with a piece of the money we got to move.

Get my basic food, water, banana, almond butter, cottage cheese and linseed mil, organic apple sauce.

This means that now every step, every movement, has to be intentional.

I get to the computer and write, being aware to stay awake.

At the computer I can still use a flow of ideas, which means the only place left to me To function.

Purpose defines the moment.

This is the place for intentional living or not. Either I get to the computer or I don’t based on will power and bodily ability left to me.

I just fell briefly asleep now but woke myself us. Even that takes will power.

At what point do I let go and sleep or wake just naturally?

This would be the letting go to the dying process.

This would be the letting go to people taking care of me and watching me die and making me comfortable and relating to me. Then I would                       have only speech at my control and not word processing. Maybe I could read and watch good drama on tv and still eat but with the lethargic getting up for the toilet work, maybe all assisted now.

Stefania is getting the support team together. Conflict there because she has to keep working to keep some income coming in and there is a point that someone should be around in the apartment to take care of me when needed.

So the moment of the start of the real dying process is that moment I cannot do my own support functions alone. Now I do most of them slowly with will power and choice and focus.

Then it is sometimes hard for Stefania, a first timer in this to adjust and respond to all this without stressing out. Understood.

I read that Jung’s dying took weeks. He asked an old friend, Ruth Bailey if she would see him out. She said, I think I could. So he had a constant companion who was not psychological but easy to be with for all his final days. Of course members of the family would come around also from their own busy lives.

A lot of focus on my body now: when I need to breathe more and so on.

Love that organic apple sauce. It goes down easily, whereas eating an apple doesn’t anymore.

Looking forward to the mistletoe treatments hopefully starting Monday, but the doctor did not give out much hope there. But who cares anymore? It’s on an ‘if it works basis.’

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