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Anatomy Of A Near Defeat Oct 9 2009

Issues: … medications working … responding to problems … winning … dealing with defeat … negatives and positives … values … morphine effects … cancer …

This was a dangerous day for Stefania and I. It was to have been our earliest marriage day possible but was taken from us by city hall when we said we wanted to petition for an earlier date even because my symptoms were so bad. So the city said keep your old Oct 19 date. Now this date is 10 days further on yet. Dr Adams and I concurred that I might not make it to that date, be in a hospital, so on. He would write a letter on my condition as part of petitioning the Justice Department. We got Sept 30 for the marriage date and now were safely married for Stefania’s marriage rights.

Narrative

- Oct 9: what is the physical-mental condition now that I am dealing with, and why is it a partial defeat?
- Last night at 10 PM took all my meds including morphine second time. The morphine is the pain killer that also relaxes my throat so I cannot feel blocked at the throat with burps and phlegm and thus rest and sleep the night through.
- 2:30 AM I’m awake trying to get up. No position comfortable in bed. No pain but some heavy panting. Stefania helps me get up, which is so difficult since the morphine seems to so relax and block me that I cannot carry out alone muscle to get out of bed. In bed the propped pillows shift and so no stability.
- Finally with Stefania’s help out of bed and in my computer chair to eat and have my first meds of the day, but not more morphine. Stefania back to bed.
- 4:30 AM because I lost the struggle to stay awake against the morphine, back to bed again unassisted. What a struggle going against the morphine sleepiness.
- 7 AM awake, mouth dry and open, pillows have shifted. Nothing to do but try to get up. Morphine hold on me less now so I can slowly arrange myself to lift off the bed while Stefania sleeps on. I don’t call for help. Trying to solve challenge problem myself.
- 7:56 writing this narrative slowly with many sleep nods but not sleep. Morphine effect less.

Question is now will I be able to focus and write now without falling asleep?
Dr maybe comes today. New orthopedic bed coming today. This should stabilize my position for sleep at night, which will be on the incline almost sitting up. I will hopefully stay stable so I do not end with my back arched and mouth open sucking air and dry.

Review how much and when taking morphine, or I sleep away the rest  of my life. Right now still falling briefly asleep.

How do you keep the morphine good effects but get alert enough to write like the good day I had yesterday writing almost the whole day? Yet also be able to sleep at night.

8:07 AM the sun is out and bright. What will I be able to do today?

So I need my medication but also my consciousness, or focused awareness and intention in action. How will I get all this?

10 AM breakfast and now staying awake, so it takes 12 hours. Morphine also makes it hard on me to use will power in my muscles at least at first.

11:30 AM took three of the doctor’s powders and plant fiber but still no bowel movement since first pill two days ago on Wed-today is Friday

Sat Oct 10 5 AM asleep 11p up 5a-6 hours sleep – first night comfortable hospital bed.

Dealing With Problems Spiritual

Practice these principles:

1. -There is a solution to every problem.
2. -Open to the situation as it is to experience it fully.
3. -Don’t project fears, anxieties, old problems, old solutions, attitudes, other people’s opinions into the current problem situation.
4. -Trust the process.
5. -Go for breakthroughs when you can.
6. -Take responsibility for all you realistically can.
7. -Give all you can to the problem and trust there will be a response from the other side.
8. -Stay focused on the Immediate Now so as to be grounded in present reality.
9. -Push, focus but also let it happen.
10. -Test your actions for consequences.
11. -Set priorities in dealing with problems.
12. -Test for consequences and evaluate.

Dealing With Defeat

Practice these principles:

1. -There are no defeats, only consequences.
2. -Objectify the situation as it directly is in your experience happening now.
3. -Still problem-solve the defeat: what can you do and not do in the situation?
4. -Do the possible, not the impossible.
5. -Take responsibility for your failures but don’t beat yourself with them.
6. -Get rid of judging yourself or others bad or good, but do make evaluations of positive or negative, realistic or fanciful.
7. -Don’t attach your ego to what you do, positively or negatively.
8. -Work in the world but don’t identify with it.
9. -Celebrate positive outcomes briefly and honestly.
10. -Lament negative outcomes briefly and honestly if that really matters to you and the situation with others.

1. -Keep single focus on he problem with as much attention and action as possible, testing at the edges until shifts occur.
2. -Make adequate lists or records of what happened and what is happening now.
3. -Discover more than plan and see what shifts are happening.
4. -Don’t waste energy on problems or people who create negative energy drain.
5. -Evaluate yourself and others by their talk and actions: are they more an energy drain in life than a creator of positive energy and things?
6. -People who choose to be mostly negative in life are not worth associating with, unless you experience clear evidence that they want to stop their negativity and be creative, courageous and positive instead.
7. -When we win we lose.
8. -When we lose we win.

Dealing With Winning

Practice these principles:

1. -Affirm an accomplishment that has real value for yourself and others, but don’t dwell on it, then let it go.
2. -Let the right people who have a need to know realize briefly of your accomplishment.
3. -If you don’t tell others about significant things you are accomplishing how are they going to know?
4. -Don’t try and accomplish important things to feed your ego self identity because that makes you identify with your victories and not let them go.
5. -Don’t build your ego identity on your accomplishments. Honor you did something of value for the greater good, yet don’t try and possess it and thus get inflated or possessive.
6. -Share the results of your winning so as to stay flexible rather than full of pride or domineering.
7. -Receive well as well as accomplish well.
8. -Don’t associate any more than you have to with losers, those who are not accomplishing things of value for themselves and others. These people are energy drains.
9. -Share credit for an accomplishment as credit is due.
10. -Create in Win-Win situations when you can.
11. -Work in teams when you can.
12. -Take definite leadership when you have the vision and skills and the team responds to your leadership style and who you are as a person.
13. -Choose what you love most to do when you can because that corresponds to your values, skills and abilities.
14. -Keep responding positively to the negatives of a situation or life so you stay practiced in turning negative into positive, or letting that type of person or situation go.
15. -Winning is responding successfully to situations and people, whether positive or negative, and deriving positive values from your participation and actions.

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