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The Incredible Sadness Contrasted With Consciousness

How do you write about sadness?

It’s such an incredible feeling. I must try and be strong in it, but the sensation is so bodily now it seems to permeate my whole being.

Of course it is so personal also.

Saying goodbye to Stefania. And how do you do that? You cry. We had a moment last night in which I said we both knew this was going to be part of our relationship, its ending because of our big age difference. She stopped eating and said, ‘I didn’t know it would be this soon.’

Nor did I. My body has cancer growing in it, as if, hey, this should not be so. Cancer shortens life, and now my life is being shortened by cancer.

It’s all so logical, when in fact there just is an incredible sadness I feel, and Stefania must feel also, but she keeps very busy getting us moved, cleaning up the old place today, taking things to the dump place which must be paid for.

Yet alone at home I feel her absence, not just in this day, but in this day of absence it is a reminder of an eternal absence between the two of us, absence from life itself.

• Yes, I am feeling it in a big, big way, the failing of the facilities, the declining of life itself and the existence that goes with it.

So my incredible sadness is also the sadness of the loss of myself. Yes, the loss of Stefania also, whom I so dearly love, and the loss of me to Stefania, whom she so dearly loves.

So there is crying to do on the road to acceptance. They do that at hospices. I read about that also in The Tibetan Book Of The Dying.

Yes, Strephon, feel the incredible sadness, but know that you are not dead yet.

Don’t take the sadness for immediate death, though it would seem easy to do just that. Get out of the sadness also and back into life purpose and vitality.

In truth I do feel significantly better today. Until today I had such great fatigue that I could move but slowly. Is the miracle the homeopathy started yesterday?

Why give myself to this approach if I am not really giving myself to this approach?

Live, Strephon, live!

Don’t let the sadness take over.

Look around you and in the news and see all the people dying, giving up, leaving this earth.

Are you one of these, Strephon? Are you one of these?

Are you one that gives up just because you have incredible feelings, and at times incredible suffering which the doctors have to help you out with and do?

• Remember, consciousness, Strephon, remember consciousness.

There are feelings, emotions, bodily symptoms, relationships, challenges, defeats and victories. Yet, consciousness is still different from all of these.

Consciousness Is

Consciousness is the direct reflection upon what is happening to oneself in life so that one has a fulcrum point from which to interact with the experiential flow and not be just taken over by the experiential flow.

Sure, I fall asleep sometimes here at the computer. It just happens. I wake suddenly and go to bed, thinking I should take a nap. But in bed I just think. Consciousness is not just thinking. The thoughts are there. The thoughts come and go, but what good are they?

I look out my window at the beautiful fall trees and leaves from my five-story high new apartment and I see it all as beautiful, and even interesting. But so what? The environment and its experiences is not consciousness.

• Experience in itself lacks purpose.

This is why I see all the little cars outside, and the old people walking with their carts with their food just bought. They have been shopping. They have been choosing foods to eat to carry them through this day and the next. But so what? I find it a curious site. Living life still but for what purpose.

Consciousness must have purpose. Purpose must be that you live your existence consciously.

Yes, Stefania will lose me perhaps not so far into the future. But I am a finite person. The important thing not to lose but to develop in life is conscious purpose for living. Maybe this has barely begun for her at her age? At age 33 I was just committing to living a conscious life, just starting. Of course I did not have a really developed person to live with and share life with together. I was just starting with my greatest teachers.

Finding someone really conscious to live with just did not work out. With Stefania for her age and experience she is very real and conscious at her level. And so we have had six years of relating so far.

The point of intimate relationship should be the same as for ones individual life, which is to live life consciously with intention and greater purpose together in relationship also.

If you don’t have this mutual purpose together as a natural commitment, then should you find another partner? Not so easy, as I have found.

Many with potential to live consciously, but few who want to make the ego desire sacrifices needed to do it.

As one ex said to me, ‘I expected to live out our lives together. As a relationship you were sixty percent.’ What kind of person was I living with? It was someone who was faking it, acting as if she was my ideal partner. Her values were never my values. I don’t give labels. I live only in the existential now. We did not share our core existence together. Yet, no blame … a person does what she or he does in life … still I suggest a deep mutual compatibility is what you go for when you possibly can … and that sometimes takes time to find.

That’s not how it works!

You can have sex and even affection with most anybody. You can have the zing of attraction with very few. But to have conscious relating you need conscious relating people who just don’t companion each other but who also build a conscious and purposeful life together. Now that is difficult. Yet how much better would it be if couples built projects of greater purpose together than just companioning each other?

About the worst kind of ongoing relationship there is is the one of companionship wherein a couple comes home to each other after living separate lives out in the world, really not that compatible or dedicated at all.

Yet the fact is also that we must find our own purpose in life individually and then maybe it is your destiny to meet another that you have both attraction with and a core integrity and purpose to live out together that you can eventually bring into the world also.

So, this is also a root of my incredible sadness felt at times. I had to bridge generations to find a companion of integrity and purpose, as well as love. Most of my life my companions in intimacy and love have been quite partial. The one or two who have lasted as significant in my consciousness are still purposeful with their own lives when I can experience this, like on their blogs.

Sadness? Yes, what is it but the failures to reach deep enough into a life purpose to live it fully? So much waste is done by us all. When we can keep our commitment and focus to things of ongoing value and challenge to realness, then the sadness will be a lot less. Most people hide their sadness it seems. We won’t go into that here.

Always look for what is behind the sadness instead of indulging in it. Feelings and emotions are states of being but they are not consciousness. They are experiencing, not insight, knowledge and the basis for purposeful choicemaking in a world of opportunity and neglect.

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