Hot:

Strephon’s Cancer Health Report August 1, 2009

Up at almost six AM today after going to bed before 12 midnight.

I actually feel pretty good. Woke up three times to pee but that usually happens. The point is that I can go back to sleep now and couldn’t before.

I may actually be getting better, but it’s difficult to separate out hope from reality.

I don’t feel depressed and in grief, as if I am going to die very soon. I don’t have much coughing at all and spitting of sputum.

Strange, the strong medication that I stopped after two days did juice the tumor it seems, but the former condition of phlegm all day long and strong coughing bouts has not returned for four days now. I do take one or two codeine a day when it starts feeling uncomfortable in my throat and chest.

I put in the details here to keep track of my reality and to keep an accurate focus on it.

Last night Stefania and I saw the BBC 1995 Persuasion, YouTube, again together, which was close for us. Stefania had already discovered this Jane Austin movie and so we had seen it separately.

It moved her feelings and mine. I felt all this grief and wrote her a little letter with the energy.

It’s all right to show feelings, Strephon. You have to.

• Part of my therapy right now is to go through the feelings to their depth as they come up. Release the repressions, the horrors of the past.

It is true as a psychotherapist during my long life I took on a lot of suffering from people as I participated in it with them doing emotional process work.

And then my own traumas from the past that I worked a lot with.

This kind of work is mentally unbalancing and who can rebalance me but myself? So at times this past week I have been living in a nightmare, very uncomfortable, but it forced me to act.

Yesterday I read stories of cancer remission and how the husbands, as reported by the wives, all show positive spirit and refuse to give in to the dark side.

• My way is to go into the dark side, but go through it and come to a new place, trusting that there is help coming from the other side.

I did some writing yesterday, which shows that I have some brain power and will power and so still do meaningful work. This gives me hope. It’s less than I had on ‘full drive’ before but it is productive work.

I keep writing the Jesus novel not knowing if I will ever finish the work, but knowing it is good stuff if I make it through to the end.

New people visit the blog every day. They are called visitors. The regulars seem few and have other things to do with their day of course as they live their lives.

So I have made sure I am not in dependency of needing these special people as ongoing friends.

Again the big, big issue of being essentially alone in life and that is who I am and what I deal with.

The woman next door to the new apartment has a beautiful little dog. After we looked at her apartment Stefania and I sat outside in the little park in the middle. There she was sitting alone on the walkway. The point is: alone. She sits alone. I work and suffer mostly alone. Stefania is there for me but not all the time can she be or even help at certain depths.

In Persuasion the people living their lives mostly had family and visitors around them most of the time, though we could see that each was effectively alone as well.

The point is can you handle your aloneness time in the day and yet also at times feel connected with your contact people and create meaningful experiences together?

Together we survive, separate we die …

related post

• Strephon I Am Affirmations
• $ 10 per year membership
• Membership Join Now-Values For
• Strephon's Photos
• Strephon is ready to go