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I’m So Happy

I am just reporting my present state, but this is how it feels!

My medications were taken over 8 hours ago so maybe this is not euphoria from that.

Truth told I have been working hard again on my attitudes towards myself and the cancer diagnosis, and now that I don’t have to be dominated by the chest discomfort and lack of sleep I can face myself much better psychologically and physically.

Stefania is over at the new place stripping the walls with the help of her supervisor from work and another worker from work. I am here processing my stuff hour after hour and doing some on the writing project.

Why am I so happy?

It’s not forced or anything. It’s due to my essay today on keeping to the mostly positive personality I have built up over the years. Such an important point.

• Don’t let your positive, dynamic and regular personality be dominated by all that is evoked in having a serious cancer diagnosis.

I feel like almost it is a positive rebellion.

• As soon as the regular doctors diagnosed me with lung cancer they started compiling evidence and recommending treatment, and they worked fast.

The x-ray shows this … shall we schedule in for two days of tests next well … and we can tell you more … what are my options, doctor … and once we take all the tests we can recommend treatment … some form of surgery perhaps … radiation treatment … chemo therapy …. and on and on that I am now a sick person, perhaps in a dying process … but we shall see … there is a 15 percent survive rate for lung cancer patients who are not too far along … this means 15 out of 100 lung cancer patients are still alive after five years from diagnosis … and on and on and on …

• What was I to do with this onslaught?

I resisted it. It was too fast for me. I wanted to approach this new destiny point consciously.

Why am I so happy today?

I stopped the doctors from acting as described on me. I got strong enough to handle them.

But I went much further. I dealt with what the cancer process evoked in terms of my real self. I suffered, sometimes amazingly, like I was about to lose my mind, or that I might well not live another week. This was how bad it got in terms of my moods.

And I did not have the right local doctor to prescribe the simplest of things, like a pain killer and a sleeping pill. Since then I have switched to a decisive male doctor who heard me and my symptoms in 15 minutes and got me settled with the pain killer and the sleeping pills, plus what the other doctor had prescribed for the tumor-produced phlegm that led to such uncomfortable and heavy coughing.

Believe me, I went through it emotionally, and maybe I will have to again a number of times.

Right now I am existentially happy in the now, feeling vital and of positive attitude because I have the right perspective now.

• Don’t let the doctors or anyone weaken my regular personality I have built up over the years and proven successful for me.

Don’t let anyone make me a cancer patient soon to die.

Don’t let anyone urge me on in a certain direction, or to act fast and accept a role as cancer victim.

1. Instead, assert my everyday being, needs and vitality in all the instances of everyday living that I am capable of.
2. Instead, don’t see myself as a cancer patient. See myself as a person who is a vital and developed being who has been handed something extra and dark to certainly deal with, but not to swallow whole and change my personality, well developed now, because of it.
3. Instead be happy, joyful in accomplishment, be directed, live your best values and dynamics as before you had a cancer diagnosis.

All right, cancer, whatever you really are for me now, you be what you can be in my body and soul, but I am still asserting my right and being that I am a vital person, as vital now as ever, if that means in new ways letting go of some old ways.

You don’t take me over, I don’t force you out.

I live with the full force of my personality active. I take on what treatments there are for me to keep me vital and centered and the real me as we work this thing out.

That’s it for the moment, and many moments to come!

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