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Dream – Terrible Terrible Nightmare Experiencing

Issues: … nightmares … acting out … fear of dying … loss of control … crying for help … support for suffering … supportive relationship … learning challenge …

In the middle of the hot night I was fighting for my life it felt like. I was struggling to get some objects to protect myself with. Can’t remember the details of the images but the feelings were so strong. I managed to shout and shout help! help! help! until I actually had my voice in the outer world.

Stefania was in her room. She had just got up, she said because she couldn’t sleep. Now she has the practice of reading American romance novels to learn American idiom.

‘Where were you?’ I cried out. ‘Don’t ever leave me again!’ My feeling protests went on and on as she came back to the bedroom and brought me things like water. God, what a hot night here now in summer. The world climate is rapidly changing. My suffering seems multiple.

I felt so shocked by my desperate attempt not to die but to wake up.

Know the feeling?

• The shock of a desperate man who believes if he can just wake up from deep sleep, representing loss of control, he will keep living, he won’t die this time.

Rattle, rattle, rattle goes the right lung in the morning, the bronchitis, the ravishes of the invasion that cancer is.

Yes, I live now in an imperfect body, matched so by my former near perfection of always being in great health except for the few bouts of flu in the past.

Aging finds good fodder in me. As Jung suggested, the opposites must play. It’s the nature of the universe, and who am I, puny man, to try and defy the universe?

Why won’t I lie down quietly and die?

I make a point of being objective and taking the process in stride, whether I like it or not. My specialist doctor says wait and see. And yet when the ‘death calls’ start being acted out I start, I cry out, I act desperate, I fight for my bit of consciousness to stay alive longer.

What am I fighting for?

Is it not obvious?

Life is life. Existence is existence. When one finally knows and relishes the quality of his or her existence, that one knows how and wherein one mostly exists in the now process of living, one, the existent, does not easily give that up.

Life is life. Existence is existence. Death is death.

Am I at peace?

No I am NOT!

One does not be at peace and call that living. Peace is dying. Is that not One Great Truth.

So when I am out of it in the night I fight not to ‘lose it’, even in my dreams.

It felt so terrible, so such a fight. But that’s how it is, at least for me here. I have no dogmas. My method is experience.

JUST EXPERIENCE FULLY MY EXPERIENCES AND THAT WILL BE THE EFFECTIVE PROCESS.

Thanks again to Stefania for concern, gaining in skilled activity, love, gentleness, companionship. It’s better than being too internal in ones fears and whatever.

We have a major age difference, as some of you know, 33 and 75, which has created much loving, sharing and learning. And we just dance together. But in dying I am keenly aware of making transition. There need not be energy wasted in terrible grief if participation is full in what is happening now.

What we have created together with our shared lives will be called that part of ones life, and possibly cherished if it has indeed be created purposefully together.

I have had other loves and shared significant things with some, including certain non-sexual friendships. It is as it is.

But this time the climax of my life, at least, seems so much greater. Now I get to have a full ’soul-right’ relationship after a professional life of helping so many other couples to either separate or come fully together through honesty and caring, no barriers please.

Relationship Creed

When in significant relationship, live that relationship’s potentials daily as best you can. Keep learning, keep developing under the influence of the other, keep getting to know yourself, your true existence as an existent in this creation, a light in what is happening now, even a mover, a choicemaker, creating a bit with what is happening with you, with you both. Fulfill a Greater Purpose Than Ego.

This I try and do myself.

If it is a nightmare, I nightmare it, I act it out.

I don’t want any more drugs than I have to take. I took one codeine after the nightmare because my head felt like a hammer. I slept deeply after to be awake again today writing this. I had refused the codeine at bedtime though I needed the tablets to prevent extreme coughing.

So this is as it is, is it?

Relationship

As a postscript, I would say be sure you have a primary relationship with a not too egocentric person. If you are relating to a person who draws your energy to her or him and spends most of the focus on her or himself, then you will get neither companionship or deep support in life when you need it.

Always find someone who can give generously, if not always skillfully, and who is open to your freely giving as well. Companionship is sharing the life force together. If you are trying to relate to a primarily egocentric person, it doesn’t work, right? Why waste your energy?

The big test is always at the crisis point: when you are most vulnerable, do they focus on themselves and try to do you in, or do they adjust themselves to meet the needs of the moment, giving selflessly?

Ah, such a question!

It feels like I have taken in a lot of crap over the years from selfish, desperate, egocentric people and now I have their disease of negativity, the cancer.

Evaluate me, please. Or evaluate yourself?

1. Am I both positive and negative with this challenging experience?
2. Am I staying with it as it happens?
3. Am I learning?
4. Am I experiencing fully?
5. Am I dealing with?
6. Am I purifying ego?
7. Am I purposeful rather than egocentric?
   

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