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The Sexual Control Issue – The Laurie Dream

Keys: sexual control … sex … insecurity … relating … fantasy fears … attitudes … control … in the now … oral sex … dreams … Laurie and Strephon … couples … jealousy … memories … lost loves …

The Sexual Control Issue is the Life Control Issue.

The Dream: I dreamed of the time being married to Laurie in my twenties and thirties. We had a male friend visiting who was interesting to talk with and aggressive. He stayed with us in our apartment and when I wanted to make love with Laurie stayed around. Thus result was that Laurie was going to have sex with both of us, give oral sex to both of us. This seemed to be what she wanted. I wanted her to feel fulfilled but I did not want the guy around myself but I did not control the situation.

I woke from the dream feeling strongly the issue was a control issue. Sex is the life force. Of course we all want to be completely wild at times and just do what is happening, like having sex with anybody in certain situations, like at a sex party. And there are attitudes against this. The whole thing can be so damn powerful and so damn confusing.

Laurie and I are married at the time. One time Laurie, feeling the power of sex, expressed wanting to see a whole line of erect male penises. Now society has changed enough that this experience is possible for anyone, either as sexual videos or in sex parties. The human soul is more liberated these days to feel everything there is to feel.

But this makes for less control also. I felt in the old days that I had to feel safe and in control with Laurie. Naturally she wanted a variety of sexual relationships, as she expressed sometimes, but having only one affair. Now today people just go ahead, it seems. Maybe we did also in our day in the Sixties?

How can one feel safe and that one has the primary relationship with the one one really loves, and yet letting the partner also have the freedom, without getting upset, to explore their own sexual relating?

• How can one live secure and open without having control issues?
• How can one relate in love without feeling insecure?
• How can one relate without feeling the need to control the other person?
• The control issue is an evocative issue, is it not?

Do unto others what you would have them do unto you?

A Jesus saying, this can mean that if you don’t want your partner to act out sexually or in other emotional ways that cause conflict, then must you also not act out sexually or in other emotional ways?

• I will not act out if you don’t act out.
• I will act out if you act out.
• I don’t want to be scared you are acting out and doing sexual or emotional things with another person while you are relating to me.
• I want to feel that you have picked me and I have picked you because we have both decided we are the best ones for each other.
• I want us to choose and choose well who is the right person for us, and then to stick with that so neither of us will feel insecure.

Where have you been? You are home late. Oh, I have been out with another person. I haven’t been able to do anything else, you say. I have been worrying  about you.

When I was still relating in a previous relationship I met a fascinating woman and spent the afternoon and evening with her but did not choose to stay overnight with her though I certainly had the opportunity. A year later my primary relationship was over, though I did not realize it at the time I met this other woman, who also was in relationship.

I did not break up my primary relationship then to explore with this new woman. Maybe I should have but it would have been a huge change?

Years earlier in another phase of my life I started going with a woman then met a new woman who really seemed to want me. But I did not end the just started relationship to date this other new woman, which I seemed to have more in common with. This is one of those regret memories I still have through the years. The regret memories never go away, for they represent lost life.

By not switching to being with the best woman companion whenever possible I keep myself faithful to relationship with the lesser companion. I keep control and kept making it secure and safe for the present woman.

In fact I should have switched when the life opportunity came around. Finally I learned to do this and in my next great relationship I did end one relationship in order to create a much better one for myself and my new companion.

What are the lessons to be learned from this?

Consider the following:

1. If you have to worry about your present relationship you should not be relating because an insecure relationship is a wrong relationship.
2. If I have to use will power to stay in a present relationship then this is not the right relationship for me.
3. If I have to control myself or the other person then this is not the right relationship to truly enjoy life in.
4. If feeling insecure or the need to control, then true love is not really there and I should move on in exploring and finding a new person with whom I can freely relate without worrying about whether this is the right relationship or not for me.

How can I be sexually free to the extend desired or needed without making my companion insecure?

What makes someone secure in a primary relationship, but without the need to control the other person or their need to control you?

What is the process for having a secure relationship, but not based on controlling the other person or oneself?

• If I don’t control how then can I feel secure?

Live each day one day at a time. Solve the problems that come up daily. Figure out what you two are doing together at least weekly. Be honest and real with each other so that you can both accept each other as you are. Assert your freedom to be yourselves, yet sacrifice extremes of behavior so as to establish a secure middle-of-the-road usually relationship.

• Above all, as in my case, live life fully as the best way. Nothing is secure. Nothing stays the same.

Another thing: don’t indulge in fantasies. Sure you can get jealous or feel insecure because you project into the future that your partner is going to have sex with someone else or otherwise leave you. Isn’t it enough to relate together in the now with what is happening now.

Therefore don’t put energy into what might go wrong. Deal now with whatever is happening.

If you deal fully in the now you won’t have to worry about what could happen. Now is where everything real is happening. Nothing more exists. Give up control and live!

Technorati Tags: sexual control, sex, insecurity, relating, fantasy fears, attitudes, control, in the now, oral sex, dreams, Laurie and Strephon, couples, jealousy, memories, lost loves,

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